


take me home when i've lost myself

by lostin_space



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 04:43:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18684391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: a day after 1x12, after Caulfield and instead of the finale





	take me home when i've lost myself

Michael was a mess.

He was always a little bawdy, a little sensitive, a little reckless, but he was currently nothing more than a broken mess. Alex had gone to check on him the morning after Caulfield despite the storm only to see he wasn’t in the airstream. Worry had set in and he checked all the places he could think. Liz wasn’t answering her phone, Maria hadn’t seen him, and the bunker was empty. The last place he could think of was Max’s house, and he found himself to be right.

That day seemed to drag on for ages due to the chaos he’d found them in and it took way too long for it all to come to a stopping point. After Noah was both shot in the shoulder and given the antidote, they’d tied him up tightly and doused him in the powder that had rendered them powerless before. Liz calmed Max down as best he could and they all agreed to tackle the situation after letting themselves calm down. Liz, Max, Isobel, and Kyle had all agreed to take shifts watching Noah.

It took some convincing, but Alex was eventually able to coax Michael to come stay with him for the night. After the week he’d been having, he needed to relax and Alex wasn’t about to leave him alone again.

The moment Michael got to let it all sink in, he basically shut down. Alex didn’t pressure him any, staying silent the whole ride to the cabin and the walk inside. His eyes were teary and rimmed with dark circles that Alex hated seeing. His body was dead weight in the passenger seat.

“C'mon,” Alex whispered softly as he helped Michael out of his SUV. The man stumbled, drunk with sadness and relying a little more on Alex than they were used to. 

“They’re all dead ‘cause of me. And the one who is a murderer is alive 'cause of me.” Michael murmured under his breath as Alex unlocked the front door. Alex wearily glanced at him, but he didn’t seem to notice the attention.

 

“C'mon,” Alex repeated, not knowing what else to say. He could say as many comforting words as he wanted, but he was more than certain Michael wouldn’t register it. It was better left to when he was rested.

Alex basically dropped Michael onto the couch, the cushions sucking him in without a second’s notice. The cabin was painstakingly quiet which made it far too easy for them both to sink into their own thoughts. Alex watched as Michael’s face grew more and more pained. It took less than a minute before he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Hey, why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll make us something to eat, okay?” Alex suggested softly, resting his hand on Michael’s knee. He tried to make eye contact, but, although he was looking right at him, Michael couldn’t even see him. “You can just wear some of my clothes and we’ll go straight to bed, okay?”

It took a moment, but Michael eventually nodded and shakily stood to his feet. Alex didn’t question how he knew where the bathroom was. Instead, Alex let him go and made his way to the kitchen. He rummaged through half-empty cabinets, his leg beginning to ache with each moment that passed. Now that things were starting to calm down, he was becoming more aware of just how much time he’d spent on it. He started a pot of boiling water and grabbed a stool.

Alex sat in front of the stove, stirring a pot of mac and cheese. And he sat when it was finished. And he sat when it got cold. Eventually, once it had been thirty minutes since Michael had gone to take a shower, Alex forced himself to his feet and made his way to the bathroom. When he pressed his ear too it, the shower was still on.

“Guerin? You okay in there?” Alex called. He waited for a moment, but no reply came. He repeated his name a little louder. Again, no response. “Guerin, say something or I’m coming in.” When Michael again remained silent, Alex threw open the door.

Michael was hunched over in the shower in what Alex could only assume was a panic attack. The sound of his gasping breath was only barely covered up by the sound of the water. He was gripping the bar in the shower so tight his knuckles were white. Alex hardly processed the scene before he ran up to Michael.

It took a few minutes of trying to guide Michael to breathe before he actually seemed to remember how. However, it wasn’t long after that Alex found himself on the bathroom floor, a wet and naked Michael limply sobbing against him. In fact, he wasn’t bothered at all that his clothes were now drenched and that his leg was now throbbing. He could only bring himself to care about the fact Michael was hurting and he had no idea how to even help. The only thing he could do was hold him tight and not let go.

Alex shut off the shower before giving Michael his full attention, cradling his head against his chest. It was jarring hearing him cry so hard. Even when Jesse Manes had left him with a hand destroyed beyond repair in a pool of his own blood, he’d hardly cried. In fact, one of the only times Alex had seen him cry was the day he told him he was going to join the airforce. Looking back at what he knew now, Michael had a lot more going on at that point in time and Alex leaving was just the icing on the cake.

They sat on the floor there for a while, Alex pushing through how sore his arms were feeling from holding all of Michael’s weight. He didn’t even suggest moving until Michael’s sobs reduced to shaky breaths and sniffles. Alex gently grabbed his jaw, guiding him to look at him.

“Let’s get you dry and we’ll go to bed, okay?” Alex said softly. Michael’s gulped, nodding faintly. Alex pulled himself off the ground, making his way towards a towel with an unwanted limp. He was eager to take his prosthetic off more than ever, but Michael was more important.

Alex helped Michael to his feet and began to dry him off. Squatting wasn’t really an option, so Michael’s legs were left a little damp whenever Alex decided he was done. He tied the towel around his hips.

The walk to Alex’s bedroom took longer than it should’ve. Alex was trying hard to support Michael, but the other man wasn’t really having that when Alex was limping. After some balancing back and forth, they compromised by leaning on each other.

Michael basically forced Alex to sit on the bench at the foot of his bed and took it upon himself to go through his drawers to find them something to sleep in.

“Boxers in the top drawer, shirts in the bottom one,” Alex told him, taking no time to get out of his wet clothes. He left it all in a pile on the floor before beginning to take off his prosthetic. His leg ached in the best way possible once it was off. When he looked up, he saw Michael tugging on one of his baggier shirts and already standing in a pair of his boxers. Alex wished the circumstances were different so he could properly enjoy the sight.

“Alex,” Michael said softly, pressing a shirt into his chest before collapsing into his bed. Again, the sight out of context would have Alex bubbling over with happiness. They’d hooked up and slept in many places over the years, but never in Alex’s bed. It felt right.

Alex put his shirt on before crawling onto the bed himself. It took a moment, but he eventually was able to pull back the blankets and cover them both up. Alex reached over to turn off the lamp before turning his attention towards Michael. He pushed his hands through his hair.

“I… I know it’s not the same, but…” Alex began softly, scooting a little bit closer to Michael. He didn’t open his eyes, but he scooted to close the space between them. Alex wasted no time to pull him back into his chest. “I meant what I said. You are my family. You’re the only one who…”

Michael hummed softly, urging him to continue as he nuzzled his head into Alex’s chest. He buried his nose into the shock of damp curls.

“You make me feel like I have a place here… like maybe my existence is more than just some sick joke. You… you love me unconditionally, even when I don’t deserve it. Even when I walk away and I hurt you, you’re always there when I need you.” Alex whispered, closing his eyes as Michael’s arms tightened around him. “I swear to you, I’m going to deserve it. I’m not going anywhere anymore, I don’t care how much you push me away. I’m here for you. You aren’t alone, you’re just not. I can’t… I can’t understand how you’re feeling right now, but know that I love you and I’m here.”

Michael didn’t respond, but he didn’t have to. They had spent over a decade communicating through touch and even now that they were working with words, they were still well versed. Pulling him closer was enough.

Thank you. I love you too.

**Author's Note:**

> can also be found on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
